the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
