It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
