He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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