Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
