If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
