Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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