just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
