I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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