I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
