Your face is a jimmy john
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
