On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
