I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
