i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Boobs are out for the taking
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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