if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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