also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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