i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
