Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
40s are totally the cure
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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