I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
