i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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