Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
