Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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