I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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