he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
