she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
