I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
