he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
