New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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