I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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