I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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