You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
