I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
