i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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