I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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