when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
