Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
