I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
