Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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