Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i out mim tonsoeep
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