I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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