I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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