he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
