How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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