she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
