In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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