The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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