First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
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