there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
