I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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