Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
