ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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